Season 3

Where does one begin with an episode like tonight’s? Animal portraits, women behaving like animals. Rude language. Crude language. AKA, all the elements to make an episode of Real Housewives of Melbourne truly great to watch.


A sparkly evening gown paired with a fur bolero that exposes only the most important assets.

Fur Gina Real Housewives of Melbourne


  • “Leanne Lewis is an animal artist. She’s painted a portrait of Boo, Johnny Depp’s dog. That’s huge! That’s when you know Fig’s made it.” – Lydia being delusional.
  • “Figaro is very obedient but sometimes he gets fidgey.” – Lydia’s word creation of the day.
  • “You’re very handsome, sweetie but you weren’t that handsome when you were younger. You know, you had that funny stage.” – Gamble reinforcing the evil step-mother stereotype.
  • “I did deportment school.” – Shame you didn’t cover grammar, Jackie.
  • “I don’t think you can put a figure on how much I’ve paid in piano lessons.” – Well, how did you pay for them then, Pettifleur?
  • “Dubai is United States of Emirates. United States, yeah. United…United Emirates, yeah. A-a-arab. It’s an Arab…Arabian – look, do you know what? It’s fucking amazing.” – Guess who?
  • “Gina’s not gonna cope with her hair cause all that lacquer is going to melt and hopefully Janet doesn’t melt with all that silicone in her face.” – Even I think that was too far, Lydia!
  • “It’s because I haven’t spoke to you in three weeks and I’m not gonna give you a psychic reading and at the end of the day maybe you should remember where you put it when you were drunk. Next! Thank you, thanks for coming! Shine away.” – Jackie’s readings are rough.
  • “Just like OH MY GOD! Oh my God. I mean it was just Oh. My. God!” – Lydia expressing herself really clearly.
  • “Correct me if I’m right.” – Lydiot.
  • “She thinks she’s fricken, like, the next best thing to slice bread, you know?” – Between Lydia and Pettifleur, their whole conversation was gibberish.
  • “You’re all fart and no shit.” – Pettifleur, who only moments earlier was lamenting that Jackie couldn’t discuss something like a lady.
  • “Let me tell you, you have way too much disposable income, girl.” Pettifleur’s reaction to Figaro’s portrait. This coming from the woman who spent a small fortune on a piano to try and lure her son to move back home.


Pettifleur trying to undermine his son’s three-year relationship with his girlfriend right before she turns up at the piano shop. Although she said “it was nice” to see her, she won’t be winning any roles on Neighbours.

Pettifleur Real Housewives of Melbourne


“$135,000 is what you’d expect to pay. I mean, it’s reasonable.” Wouldn’t it be nice to go out and buy a baby grand piano like it was a packet of Pods?


Gina’s fan mate-made doll could be the ninth Housewife. She stole this scene.

Gina Doll Real Housewives of Melbourne Season 3 Episode 7


Chyka always hosts the best events and this week she didn’t disappoint. She put together an Arabian themed dinner party for the girls to surprise them with tickets to Dubai (Chyka, why won’t you respond to any of my friend requests?). Not only did the food look delicious but the table setting was so on point. Although, the bowls of halved oranges and pomegranates did seem a little wasteful.

Real housewives of MElbourne Season 3 Episode 7


A totally understandable reaction to hearing that Lydia showered with Figaro.

Johanna Real Housewives of Melbourne

“I don’t like any of your new friends. Just a violent pack of bitches.” Gamble’s step-son Luke might have ‘shocked’ Gamble with his opinion but he’s got a point.

Gamble Face Real Housewives of Melbourne Season 3 Episode 7

Gina has apparently never heard the word cacao before.

Cacao Gina Real Housewives of Melbourne

Jackie’s expressions deserve their own blog.

Jackie Real Housewives of Melbourne

Figaro’s face is how we would all be feeling if we were forced into puffer vests and cable knit sweaters all the time, locked forever inside Lydia’s mansion.

Screen Shot 2016-04-05 at 10.46.25 amReal Housewives of Melbourne Season 3 Episode 7 Figaro


REal housewives of Melbourne Season 3 Episode 7 Jackie Jackie was on fire this week. When Susie holds an etiquette class, Jackie’s reaction to the stern teacher Joan (or Joan of Arc as she calls her) is hilarious. Who knew that there was a proper way to eat an oyster? It was also amusing to see Jackie and Ben babysitting two kids. Even though they were obviously out of their depth, I think they would actually make great parents. But the best Jackie moment has to be her fight with Pettifleur at Chyka’s dinner party. She gets up out of her seat to move away from Pettifleur multiple times because Pettifleur is “a punish”. Her parting shot of “Bye, Felicia” was amazing.


  • Do you shower with your pets?
  • Where is Pettifleur’s son’s birth certificate?
  • Why did Susie know the exact location of Births, Deaths and Marriages?
  • Are you wearing Gina?
  • What is “a punish” to you?

Figaro Real Housewives of Melbourne Season 3 Episode 7

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